While many divorcing couples might imagine long-distance co-parenting in Seattle as a situation where parents live in different states or distant cities, the reality is that co-parents can live in the same city and still face some of the challenges that long-distance co-parents encounter. You don’t have to be planning to move to another city to trigger changes to an existing parenting plan. In fact, under Washington law, all it takes is one parent to move to a different school district to trigger potential revisions to an existing parenting plan, and require a formal Notice of Intent to Move with Children. This is because, when children move out of a school district, co-parents can find themselves facing logistical concerns that could make certain existing parenting time arrangements inconvenient or more difficult. For example, with a 50-50 parenting split, parents may need to meet to exchange children once or twice, or even three times a week. If one parent moves across town, these schedules can become more challenging to maintain. After all, it’s one thing to exchange children at school drop-offs, and another thing entirely to commute across Seattle to take your children to their other parent’s home on the other side of town.
If you don’t have a parenting plan in place and are in the process of getting divorced or separated, you might wonder whether your situation will require long distance co-parenting planning. Usually, long-distance co-parenting arrangements are required when one parent lives far enough away from a child’s school to make it difficult for the parent to bring the child to school during his or her parenting time. Another situation where long-distance co-parenting arrangements might need to be made is when both parents live far enough away from one another to make exchanges of custody challenging.
The reality is that even married parents sometimes must navigate long distance co-parenting situations. Consider the reality many military families face when one parent gets deployed, or situations where one parent is often on the road or traveling for work. These families often must navigate the challenges of long-distance co-parenting. In some ways, divorced couples are at an advantage because at least they are required to have a written parenting plan in place to address some of the challenges that can arise with long-distance co-parenting.
In this article, we’ll explore long-distance parenting schedules and things to consider if you and your former partner will become long-distance co-parents after your divorce. Whether you and your former partner will live in different states, or in different parts of Washington state, or just across town, here are some things to think about with long-distance co-parenting. We’ll also explore the ways that long-distance co-parenting can affect children, and ways co-parents can support their children with this arrangement.
Find a Co-Parenting Visitation Schedule That’s Realistic
With a long-distance co-parenting schedule, the children will typically spend most of their time with one parent. Co-parents will need to decide who the primary residential parent will be in these situations. Most parents choose to make these decisions outside of court through negotiations, mediation, or through the collaborative process, because when crucial decisions like this go before a judge, there’s always a risk that a judge might make a choice neither parent wants.
That said, it can be helpful to look at how Washington state law (RCW 26.09.187) would govern residential decisions if a case were to go to court. Washington state law offers some considerations for judges when making residential decisions. What are some factors that parents can consider when deciding which parent will be the residential parent in a long-distance co-parenting situation? Here are some things to consider:
- If your child is old enough to articulate his or her preferences about where he or she will live, parents might want to consider the child’s wishes and needs. You and your former partner might also want to discuss your own wishes for residential time and visitation. Sometimes both parents already have a sense about what is in their child’s best interest, whether that means the child staying with the parent who isn’t moving away or the child moving away to pursue unique educational or extracurricular opportunities.
- If one parent has been responsible for most of the parenting duties or has been mostly responsible during the marriage for providing for the child’s daily needs, this parent will typically become the primary residential parent. Then again, if this is the parent who is moving away, parents might need to consider other factors, like the child’s current connection to school, extracurricular activities, friends, family, and siblings.
- If one parent will remain in the community where the children currently attend school, the parent remaining in the community might become the primary residential parent to maintain these bonds, while the parent moving away, might receive visitation.
- Parents should also consider their own work schedules and think about which parent will be most available to perform parenting duties.
- The parent most able to foster connection with the other parent may also receive preference as the residential parent. Long-distance co-parenting creates demands that require regular communication, and flexibility (like when a child wants to jump on a spontaneous phone call with mom or dad). As you navigate your divorce or separation, one parent might be more able or willing to manage these extra logistics and challenges.
These are just some things to consider. Sometimes parents can work out parenting time arrangements where the children reside primarily with one parent during the school year and reside primarily with the other parent during summer breaks, long weekends, or longer holidays. Many long-distance co-parents will alternate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other significant holidays.
Depending on how far apart you’ll live and your means, the long-distance parent may have the children every other weekend (which would result in an 80/20 split). Other parents prefer an arrangement where the long-distance parent sees the children every weekend, while the other parent spends the school week with the children (which would result in a 70/30 split). Some parents live just close enough to facilitate these arrangements, while some parents with the means might choose to fly into the child’s home city to keep up with regular weekend visitation. One thing to consider with weekend schedules is that the residential parent may lose out on weekends with the children. Parents may need to negotiate flexibility into these kinds of co-parenting schedules to ensure that both parents get to enjoy time to relax, unwind, and connect with their children during down-time.
If your children are not yet school-aged or are attending virtual or home school, alternating weeks or alternating every two-week parenting time schedules might work. That said, younger children may find alternate week schedules disruptive.
Some parents who live further away might opt to spend only one weekend a month with the children, with the flexibility to schedule visits during long weekends or holidays. Another alternative if parents live further apart is for the long-distance parent to have the children for a week every few months, if schedules permit. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, and every family will have to consider their own needs.
Because long-distance travel or time away from the primary home can be difficult for children, some long-distance co-parents find creative solutions to facilitate parenting time. The parent who lives far away, might come to the child’s hometown to visit, allowing the child to maintain his or her normal activities and friendships while spending time with the long-distance parent. Other parents might help their children see visits to the long-distance parent as extended vacations, and may even incorporate these visits into other activities, like going away to summer camp, or participating in activities, programs, and opportunities only available where the long-distance co-parent lives. Some co-parents, when they get along, even arrange family vacations together or with their blended families.
One issue that parents face when drafting long-distance co-parenting plans is the risk of crafting an overly optimistic plan that ultimately can’t be realistically followed. Co-parents might be most at risk of putting such a plan in place when they live in the same city, but far enough away from one another to require a long commute, or when parents live in cities that are a few hours apart. Alternating week or an alternating every two-week schedules can be difficult to maintain while the children are attending school. If parents plan to exchange children on the weekends, parents need to be realistic about how frequent these visitations should be without being too disruptive to children and the parents. Co-parents should also consider how unforeseen circumstances, like bad weather, snowstorms, sickness, or other issues could affect these kinds of plans.
Long-distance co-parenting schedules often include additional provisions that co-parents in closer proximity may not have to consider. For example, long distance co-parenting schedules might include schedules for regular Zoom calls or phone calls, provisions for communicating travel plans, and guidelines for handling the cost of travel.
Finally, children’s needs and preferences may change as they get older. A younger child might have no issue with spending summers with the long-distance parent, while a teenager may not want to be away from friends for so long. Remaining open to changes and flexibility as your child gets older is essential.
Managing Long-Distance Co-Parenting Logistics
Long-distance co-parenting involves more complicated logistics and travel. Who will pay for long car rides or flights? What will happen if bad weather cancels flights or makes road travel difficult or impossible? According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, airlines do not allow children under age five to travel alone. Each airline has its own unaccompanied minor procedures for children aged five or older who are traveling alone, which may involve additional fees. Some airlines consider children aged 12 and older to be young adult passengers who do not require unaccompanied minor procedures, while other airlines require children to be at least 15 years old. Depending on your child’s age, you may need to book direct flights.
For children under age five or for children who will need unaccompanied minor procedures, will the parent be expected to travel to visit the child where the child primarily lives, or will other arrangements be made? Managing the cost of long-distance travel might be another point of negotiation in your divorce settlement.
Virtual Visits
Thanks to technologies like Zoom, Skype, and FaceTime, long-distance co-parents are more able than ever to stay connected to their children even when they live far apart. When creating your long-distance co-parenting visitation schedule, you may also want to schedule regular Zoom, Skype, FaceTime, or phone calls. For example, some parents might want to Zoom in to read their younger children a bedtime story, while other parents might ask for video arrangements to be made so they can virtually attend a birthday party, important sporting event, recital, doctor’s appointment, or other life event.
Finally, consistency in virtual visits can be just as important as consistency for in-person visits. Parents should avoid rescheduling these visits as much as possible, to maintain emotional safety and closeness.
Sync Your Calendars
When parents live further apart, communication is key. If you don’t want to be making phone calls to your former partner on a regular basis, it can be helpful to have a shared calendar where you post important events and dates or agree to use a co-parenting app that lets you and your former partner streamline communication, visitation, and travel arrangements. The custodial parent may have a greater responsibility in keeping the long-distance parent updated about important details. Older children might also want to share their calendars with their long-distance parent.
Make Time and Space for Little Gifts and Surprises
With long-distance co-parenting, it’s the little details that matter. Sending your child regular care packages, cards, and letters can help you maintain a closer bond. Finding creative ways to stay connected is important. You can start a group chat or Facebook group where you share photos and post updates or maintain a shared photo album. For children experiencing separation anxiety, some parents borrow strategies from military families, like using a “countdown” jar filled with items like candy that symbolize the days before a child and his or her long-distance co-parent will be reunited. Every day, a candy or marble is removed, allowing the child to visualize the passage of time. Emails with video messages or voice messages are another great way to stay in touch between scheduled calls.
Seek Support
Long distance co-parenting can take an emotional toll on parents and children alike. Divorcing couples aren’t the only parents who have to consider the emotional and social impact that long-distance co-parenting has on children. For example, military families often deal with long-distance family separations when a parent is deployed. Some of the advice offered by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs for families navigating these situations can be useful for helping children cope with long-distance co-parenting or when your family is navigating a move that will result in long-term separation. For example, according to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, open communication about what is happening, and why it is happening is important. Letting your child know where you’ll live, what your life will be like, and even showing your child the new home on a map, can help children better understand what’s happening. Children should also be encouraged to share their feelings about the change and have the space to communicate fears and concerns. Some children will prefer not to talk about the changes or the move. In this case, parents shouldn’t force their children to discuss feelings and things they aren’t ready to discuss. Parents shouldn’t hesitate to rely on community support, including speaking to teachers, school counselors, and religious leaders about changes taking place at home. Some families seek the assistance of therapists and counselors to help their children navigate major family transitions.
Parents might also choose to get their children more involved in sports and other local activities to help them cope with major changes at home. If your child spent the weekend playing catch with his dad who is moving away, joining a baseball team or other sports team can help him or her cope with changes while connecting him or her to the community and to stress-reducing activities. According to the Department of Defense, maintaining as much consistency as possible despite changes at home can also help children cope.
According to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, researchers have found that children of deployed parents may be more at risk of anxiety, fear, sadness, and depression. Long-distance co-parents can also watch for these symptoms during extended separations. Children experiencing these effects may show different symptoms and signs, depending on their age. For example, toddlers may be more prone to tantrums or may have difficulty sleeping. Preschoolers may have issues with the toilet, sleep issues, experience separation anxiety, and may experience pain and aches without a clear organic cause. School age children may have difficulty in school and may experience more headaches or stomach pains. Teens might “act out,” become withdrawn, or experience depression and anxiety.
According to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, some signs parents can watch for after a long separation are:
- More frequent tantrums or finding that your child isn’t as easily comforted or soothed
- Crying, sadness, or the sudden onset of new fears
- Anger
- Changes in sleep
- Separation anxiety (not wanting to go to school or resistance to being away from the residential parent)
- Pain (stomachaches, headaches, back pain, or other physical complaints)
- Attention-seeking behavior
- Difficulty in school
- Self-harm behaviors
- Withdrawal or changes in communication patterns
- Gaining or losing weight (changes in appetite), or lack of attention to grooming or personal appearance
- Signs of drug or alcohol use/abuse
Long-distance co-parenting can bring with it unique emotional and logistical challenges. Being prepared to face these challenges before you move, separate, or divorce can help you put the support in place that will best help you and your children cope with changes.
Next Steps
Whether you already have a parenting plan in place and are thinking of moving or are in the process of a separation or divorce, and know that one parent will move further away, long-distance co-parenting brings with it unique logistical and parenting plan challenges. The family law lawyers in Seattle, Washington at Truce Law can help you navigate these unique challenges while using peaceful conflict resolution and negotiation strategies to help you create a long-distance parenting plan that works.
This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every situation is unique. For guidance specific to your circumstances, consult a licensed family law attorney in your area.