Teenagers brings unique challenges. Teenagers may have far busier schedules than younger children. They might be involved in extracurricular activities, find themselves juggling homework and seasonal sports schedules. And this doesn’t even begin to account for standardized test prep, the summer job or summer enrichment program–not to mention the need for free time to hang out with friends and date. As teens assert their independence, they may also want greater control over their schedules especially if their divorcing parents are creating a parenting plan.
Choosing to divorce when your children are teens raises unique challenges. Teens are experiencing many transitions, developing their sense of identity, and seeking greater independence from parents and other adult and authority figures. Adding a major transition like divorce to the mix means that your teens will likely need added support as they navigate these stressful changes. A well-thought-out parenting plan can have built-in support that can help parents address the psychological, emotional, social, and educational impact of divorce.
Likewise, parents who have been divorced for some time, and who have been successfully co-parenting for years, might find that the parenting plan that worked very well when their children were in elementary school or middle school, no longer makes sense. When children hit the teen years, the parenting plan may need adjustment. In this article, we’ll explore ways you and your spouse can avoid ending up back in court if adjustments to your current parenting plan must be made.
As collaborative lawyers who help divorcing couples amicably divorce outside of court, we see firsthand how compromise, collaboration, conflict resolution, negotiation, and peaceful communication can lead to better co-parenting decisions that meet children’s long-term needs. In this article we’ll offer our take on what you need to know about creating a parenting plan for teenagers—from a collaborative divorce perspective.
- Why Co-Parenting Teenagers is Different
- Parenting Time Schedules That Work
- How Collaborative Divorce Can Help You Create a Parenting Plan for Teens
- Setting Rules and Boundaries
- Communication and Flexibility
- Including Your Teenagers in Decision-Making About the Schedule
- How You Can Support Your Teen After Divorce
- Explore How Collaborative Family Lawyers Can Help
Why Co-Parenting Teenagers is Different
The teenage years are a period of profound physical, emotional, and mental development. According to neuroscientist Frances E. Jensen, M.D. in her book, The Teenage Brain, during the teenage years, “the most important part of the human brain—the place where actions are weighed, situations judged, and decisions made—is right behind the forehead, in the frontal lobes. This is the last part of the brain to develop.” Jensen argues that during the teen years, parents need to serve as their teens’ “frontal lobes” until their teen brains “are fully wired.” Because of the new wiring that’s taking place in the teen brain, the teen years are a time of great opportunity for teens to hone talents and a crucial time when parents can identify weaknesses and help their teen work on them. But, as Jensen explains, “flexibility, growth, and exuberance are a double-edged sword because an ‘open’ and excitable brain also can be adversely affected by stress, drugs, chemical substances, and any number of changes in the environment.” Jensen notes that the teen brain is “both more powerful and more vulnerable than at virtually any other time in their lives.”
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, teen brains react differently to stress than adult brains do, and this can put teens at higher risk of “stress-related mental illnesses such as anxiety and depression.” Divorce can be a major stressor in a teen’s life. According to Jensen, while both adults and teens have chemicals in their brains that down-regulate stress levels, the chemical doesn’t yet effectively reduce stress levels in teens. This means that teens experience greater stress and can be more impacted by stressful events.
Because the teen brain seeks novelty and sensation, and because teens experience higher levels of stress, they are more at risk of turning to tobacco, alcohol, substances, marijuana, video games, and the internet to cope. Because of the plasticity of the teen brain, teens are more at risk of addiction than adults. In fact, according to Jensen, “Some studies suggest that after just a few cigarettes, the adolescent brain begins to remodel itself and create new nicotine receptors, making quitting much harder.” Other studies found that teen tobacco use could reduce the production of serotonin in the teen brain, putting teens at greater risk of later depression and other mental health issues. Marijuana can reduce the number of cannabinoid receptor sites in the teen brain, meaning that it can take “more than the normal amount of stimulation to get the brain interested in learning something new.” Additionally, marijuana use during the teen years can double the risk of schizophrenia later in life. Alcohol can impact learning, and teen alcohol use has been linked to attention deficit, depression, memory issues, and difficulty with achieving goals. And researchers found in MRI scans that connections in the brain that involve the neurotransmitter dopamine looked similar in individuals who had addictions to cocaine and meth as those who had an internet addiction. As Jensen explains, “Behavioral addictions are just as insidious as chemical addictions because they make use of the same brain circuits.”
Stress is one of the main factors that can lead to addiction and mental health concerns in teens.
So, what can parents do to help reduce stress and create a parenting plan that works, given that divorce is inherently stressful?
According to Jensen, parents can help teens cope with stress, by helping them “take care, take control, and take time out. They can take care of themselves physically by eating right and getting enough sleep. They can take control of their lives by setting goals, even small ones, and working toward them one step at a time. And they can take time out from the internet, from texting, from Facebook, and instead talk out their problems with a good listener they trust.”
Jensen notes that the “good listener” doesn’t necessarily need to be a parent. It can be a trusted aunt, grandparent, teacher, or mentor.
Another way parents can reduce stress during divorce is by committing to having an amicable divorce, or at the very least, having a divorce that keeps teens largely out of the conflict. The collaborative divorce process is one way to achieve this—even if you and your former partner have your disagreements.
Providing stability even between households is also important. When parents are on the same page about rules, limits, and boundaries, teens can express themselves, grow, and take (safe and healthy) risks within the safe container of the family.
Parenting Time Schedules That Work
Your parenting time schedule will depend on many different factors, including your work schedule, your spouse’s work schedule, your teen’s school schedule, your teen’s after-school activities and commitments, the distance between your home and your former spouse’s home, your teen’s wishes, and your teen’s own desire to make plans with friends, or set their own schedule.
Parents who want a 50/50 split, might spend alternate weeks with their teens, or alternate parenting time every two weeks, where their teen spends two weeks with one parent, and then two weeks with the other parent. More frequent exchanges are possible, but parents might want to talk to their teens about how they feel about going back and forth more frequently, because more frequent exchanges will require greater coordination and buy-in from all parties.
In uneven parenting time splits, the teen might live with one parent during the week and spend weekends with the other parent. In other arrangements, the teen might spend four days with one parent, and then three days with the other.
Some teens might feel like they are always living out of a suitcase if exchanges are too frequent. Parents and teens might need to balance the teen’s need for stability, with both parents’ desire to spend time with their children. Creative solutions where a teen spends most of the school year living with one parent and the summers and holidays living with another could offer more stability, while giving both parents the ability to support their teen in different stages or seasons of their life, especially in situations where parents will live further apart.
At the end of the day, the parenting plan you choose matters less than your ability to communicate with your teen and your former spouse. Teens will need more flexibility than younger children, and even the most carefully arranged time split will likely need to be adjusted as your teen’s needs change, as his or her schedule changes, or as things come up.
The biggest factor in emotional, academic, social, and educational success for children after divorce is parental conflict. Co-parents who can reduce their level of conflict during and after divorce are more able to provide their teens with the support, stability, secure attachment, and communication teens need to thrive.
How Collaborative Divorce Can Help You Create a Parenting Plan for Teens
Divorce is, by its very nature, a high conflict situation. You and your former partner, even if you remain friendly with one another, will need to make major decisions about splitting finances, retirement, debts, savings, and if you have teenagers, you’ll need to develop a parenting plan that makes sense for your changing family. Conflict is bound to arise. With the collaborative divorce process, both spouses commit to peaceful negotiation and conflict resolution. Divorce terms are settled outside of court with the help of collaborative divorce attorneys and the collaborative divorce team. Collaborative divorce attorneys use peaceful negotiation, conflict resolution strategies, and mediation strategies to help their clients amicably divorce outside of court.
Divorce requires both spouses to make carefully reasoned decisions that will impact their financial lives and their families for years to come. When strong emotions like anger, resentment, or fear are present, it’s difficult to make rational decisions. With the collaborative divorce process, couples can add family counselors to their divorce team to help them navigate the emotions that are bound to arise. Family counselors can be a crucial part of the collaborative divorce team to help the couple create a parenting plan for their teens that meets their children’s needs but also works for the family.
The negotiation and communication skills that parents learn during the collaborative divorce process are useful tools that can lead to lower-conflict co-parenting. When both parents are focused on the shared goal of providing their children with a stable and supportive environment, shaped by shared parental involvement, shared rules and boundaries, and strong communication, the outcomes for teens after divorce are better.
Setting Rules and Boundaries
Good communication between both parents is especially important for co-parents navigating the teen years. Divorcing parents may already have conflicting views about a lot of things, and setting rules for their teenagers might be one of them. Having strong conflict resolution and communication strategies is essential for co-parents to negotiate rules and boundaries that work for both parents.
The teen years are a time when teens desire greater independence, develop their identity outside the home, and test boundaries, sometimes by engaging in risky behavior. In fact, according to the Journal of Family and Economic Issues, “parental divorce increased the probability of risk behaviors” including binge drinking, alcohol consumption, marijuana use, tobacco use, and other drugs. Without strong co-parental communication, teens might choose to live with a parent whose rules are laxer or choose to spend more time with a parent who is willing to look the other way when family rules are broken. The best parenting plans include “family rules” that both parents set and enforce. These rules are negotiated and discussed during the creation of the parenting plan and may even be written into the parenting plan itself.
Here are some major issues that the parents might want to discuss during the creation of the parenting plan:
- Will the teen be expected to finish chores and homework before hanging out with friends, screen time, or video games?
- When will your teen be allowed to get their driver’s license? When will they be allowed to drive the family car, or will they be given their own car? Will there be rules about whether the teen can have other teenagers in the car (Washington state law already imposes some limitations on teen passengers, nighttime driving, and cell phone use).
- What about curfew?
- When will your teen be allowed to date? What kind of rules will you want to set around dating?
- Will your teen have a bedtime? Researchers have found that most teens experience sleep deficits, and that much of the learning that takes place during the day gets consolidated during REM sleep cycles. How will you and your co-parent create a schedule that supports your teen’s sleep?
- How will you limit cell phone use, screen time, and video games?
- Are there religious milestones, or other family traditions you want your teen involved in?
- How do you both feel about piercings, or travel to another state where it’s legal for minors to get tattoos? Are there any other concerns about grooming or clothing?
- What is each parent’s view on teen drinking, smoking, or marijuana use?
- What about unsupervised or supervised parties or sleepovers?
- What if your teen needs mental health care, or is prescribed psychiatric medication? And what if your teen needs gender affirming care?
- What are your rules about sports with high risk for injury like football, rugby, wrestling, or boxing? If you want to learn more about the way concussions can impact the teen brain, Jensen’s The Teenage Brain is a powerful resource.
- What happens if your teen gets into trouble at school or faces academic challenges? How will you handle these situations together?}
- What will you do if your teen struggles with behavioral issues? How will you work together as co-parents to address these concerns?
Navigating big milestones with a teenager isn’t always easy, especially when both parents have different ideas about what’s appropriate and when. The time to negotiate rules isn’t when a teen has broken one, or when a teen is testing boundaries, but long before, when parents work together to create a co-parenting plan that works. You and your partner may not agree about everything, but through collaboration, negotiation, and a constant reminder of your shared commitment to your children, most parents are able to set some ground rules that both parents can accept and live with. The collaborative divorce process allows parents to have these difficult conversations in a safe and supported space.
Communication and Flexibility
As your teen’s needs change, you and your co-parent might realize that the co-parenting schedule you crafted doesn’t make sense. Rules you set when your teen was 13 may not work for a 17-year-old. A strong parenting plan will also include details about how parents will communicate with one another about concerns, changes to the schedule, and other issues that might arise.
How you and your former partner communicate will depend on whether you are lower-conflict or higher-conflict co-parents. For example, you and your partner might be aware that you can communicate well with the support of your collaborative divorce team, but when you find yourself alone, you don’t communicate well at all. Your parenting plan might include provisions for regular family counseling sessions where you set aside time to work together as co-parents with the guidance and support of a counselor who was involved in your divorce process and who understands your family’s dynamics.
Other divorced couples end their marriage on more friendly terms, or find that after they learn negotiation and communication strategies through the collaborative divorce process, they can set times to chat about co-parenting, either through regular phone calls, text messages, or over coffee.
It’s key that you and your former spouse outline how schedule changes or any changes to the parenting plan will be negotiated. For small schedule changes, some parents might use a shared calendar, and others might use a dedicated co-parenting app.
For major changes or disagreements, like relocation, there’s always the risk that you could end up in court over the parenting plan.
Yet, if you both commit to calling up the collaborative family law team when major issues come up, you might be able to prevent major conflicts or going to court down the line. For more minor concerns and disagreements, co-parents might sit down with their family counselor before calling up the whole collaborative divorce team.
And if you and your former partner need to change your parenting plan because your children are teens, the collaborative divorce process is a great alternative to taking any disputes to court.
How You Can Support Your Teen After Divorce
Teenagers might want to be more involved in the decision-making process that will impact their lives. In fact, Washington state law makes provisions for allowing children to express their wishes about the parenting plan. One of the criteria for establishing a permanent parenting plan under RCW 26.09.187 includes consideration for “the wishes of a child who is sufficiently mature to express reasoned and independent preferences as to his or her residential schedule.”
Some parents bring their teens in on discussions surrounding the residential schedule. The collaborative divorce process can include your teen. Your teenagers can be involved in discussions about parenting time, living arrangements, and schedules. When there is buy-in from your teen about your parenting plan, there is less risk that the source of conflict surrounding your parenting schedule will come from your teen.
How You Can Support Your Teen After Divorce
Researchers asked adolescents in Canada what factors best supported them as their parents navigated separation and divorce and published their results in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. Teens noted that peer support, a generally supportive environment, and family support helped the teens best navigate divorce. When crafting a parenting plan, parents need to be aware of how scheduling changes and parenting times might impact their teen’s friendships and relationships with peers outside the home. For example, this might not be the best time to move to another school district or change schools. Divorce can strain family finances, but this might not be the best time to skip out on summer camp, or sports activities that foster social connections.
Factors that affected teens negatively during divorce included “feelings of being flooded or overwhelmed by negative feelings about the divorce” and “negative peer consequences.” Seeking counseling or therapy for your teen can be an important part of helping him or her cope and process their feelings around divorce. For teens, continuity of relationships and support is also essential. This includes fostering an ongoing relationship with both parents and ongoing relationships with peers, friends, and community supports. Parents who are concerned that their teens don’t have adequate peer support can also enroll their teen in a divorce support group. Psychology Today has a list of teen support groups in Seattle led by licensed social workers and family therapists.
Explore How Collaborative Family Lawyers Can Help
Collaborative divorce offers a peaceful approach to divorce that lets you and your former spouse craft a parenting plan that works for you—and for your teenager. When parents take their parenting plan to court, they can find themselves either in court-ordered mediation, or in a court-ordered parenting plan that sometimes neither parent, nor the teen might want. Collaborative divorce allows parents to find creative solutions to some of the most difficult challenges of co-parenting after divorce, including finding solutions that the court couldn’t offer.
Collaborative divorce allows you and your family to stay in control of your parenting plan. If you want to explore whether collaborative divorce is right for you, reach out to our team at Truce Law for a Case Evaluation.
This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every situation is unique. For guidance specific to your circumstances, consult a licensed family law attorney in your area.