When divorce brings up feelings of resentment, anger, sadness, or hurt, it’s common for children to get caught in the crossfire. In a moment of anger, a parent might share a negative comment about the other parent with the children. And sometimes during a divorce, or even after, parents can carry so much resentment toward their former spouse that they sometimes might badmouth the other parent to the kids.
Unfortunately, badmouthing your former spouse to your children not only carries emotional consequences for your children, but it can also affect your parenting plan, especially if the court views your pattern of speaking poorly about your ex as interfering with your children’s relationship with their other parent.
When parents don’t have emotional support from friends, family, or from a trusted therapist, it’s all too easy to share emotional challenges with the kids, especially if the children are teenagers, or seem to be emotionally mature for their age. It’s never a good idea to lean on the children emotionally in this way.
While divorce can bring up anger and resentment, the way you settle your divorce can have a huge impact on your children’s lives and your co-parenting relationship.
More couples want to find a peaceful way to settle their divorce, both for themselves and for the sake of their children. Collaborative divorce is one way that couples can avoid taking their co-parenting plan and divorce settlement to court, while working through disagreements peacefully with the help of collaborative attorneys who are skilled in conflict-resolution and negotiation.
In this article we’ll explore the situations where badmouthing your ex to the kids could affect your parenting plan, the psychological reasons why it’s never a good idea to badmouth your ex to the kids, what you can do if your ex is badmouthing you to the kids, and why, absent situations of coercive control, collaborative divorce might be the best path forward to crafting a more peaceful divorce and co-parenting arrangement—one that may be able to help you address feelings of resentment, anger, and sadness, before they begin to affect your co-parenting relationship with your kids.
What is Parental Alienation? Will It Play a Role in My Child Custody Case?
Parental alienation is a controversial theory posited by Dr. Richard Gardner, that claims that one parent can alienate or “brainwash” the children against the other parent. Dr. Gardner popularized his theory by testifying in cases where fathers were accused of abusing their children. In the cases where Dr. Gardner served as an expert witness, he claimed that the mothers were making false accusations of the fathers to alienate the children from their fathers.
While there are certainly cases where one parent may make false accusations against the other parent to get full custody, parental alienation as a psychological theory has its critics. The theory can be used as a manipulation tactic by abusers to discredit an abused spouse or child.
Parental alienation is not classified as a mental health disorder in the DSM-V, the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual. Both the World Health Organization and the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges have denounced the concept, claiming it fails “to meet court evidentiary standards” according to a ProPublica investigation.
The United Nations’ Human Rights Council suggested that parental alienation not be used in custody cases. The theory tends to vilify mothers and can lead to the court discrediting children and mother’s allegations of abuse. Yet, supporters of the theory of parental alienation hold that men can also be victims of domestic violence and abuse, and when they are victims, they can suffer from the effects of parental alienation if a mother tries to use the legal system to manipulate the children to get custody.
In states where parental alienation is a permissible argument in court, abusive parents have managed to gain sole custody. (The remedy for parental alienation is to give sole custody to the parent who has been alienated.)
Today, the term “parental alienation” isn’t often used in court because of the controversy surrounding it as a theory. Yet, there are other ways that parental alienation, or derivatives of it, can come up in court. The state of Washington includes “coercive control” among its definitions of situations that can lead to restrictions being placed on a parent in a parenting plan.
Under RCW 7.105.010, coercive control is defined as, “a pattern of behavior that is used to cause another to suffer physical, emotional, or psychological harm, and in purpose or effect unreasonably interferes with a person’s free will and personal liberty.” Some examples of coercive control under RCW 7.105.010 include: “communicating, directly or indirectly, the intent to harm the other party’s children, family members, friends, or pets;” threatening to make private or confidential information public; isolating someone from their family, friends, relatives, and other sources of support; or using litigation to abuse the other person to “exhaust the other party’s financial resources, or to compromise the other party’s employment or housing.”
The occasional negative comment about the other parent to your children said in a moment of passion won’t likely fall under the definition of coercive control. But, if the comments have the effect of isolating the children from the other parent or from extended family and friends, or include overt or veiled threats, then the courts might investigate the situation further to determine whether coercive control is a factor and whether it needs to be considered when approving a parenting plan.
If you are the victim of coercive control, it’s important to seek the assistance of a lawyer when it comes time to creating a child custody plan. You’ll want to have evidence to support your claims, lest the other parent attempt to turn the tables and claim that you are using the courts to keep the children away (this is a common defense in situations where coercive control is present).
When it comes to your ex badmouthing you in front of the kids, it’s ultimately a matter of determining whether the badmouthing has the effect of isolating the children from you and from extended family. If, because of your ex badmouthing you to the kids, your children don’t want to visit you for your co-parenting time, you may be able to take steps to fight this kind of coercive control. And if your ex is telling your children lies about you or revealing private information about you to alienate your children from you, this could also be considered coercive control.
Coercive control doesn’t include “protective actions taken by a party in good faith for the legitimate and lawful purpose of protecting themselves or children from the risk of harm posed by the other party,” but in dynamics and situations where abuse and coercive control is present, the controlling person can often be charming, well-resourced, lawyered-up, and may take steps to make the other parent look like the one who could be causing the harm. Coercive control can be a house of mirrors, and it helps to have a lawyer with your interests in mind.
The key takeaway is this. The occasional negative comment about your ex to your kids probably won’t land you in hot water when it comes to co-parenting, but if the comments have the effect of making the children not want to spend time with the other parent, or have the effect of straining the children’s relationship with the other parent, this could be cause for concern, and even cause to limit the parent’s contact with the children.
Why It’s Never a Good Idea to Badmouth Your Ex to the Kids
Badmouthing your ex to the kids is never a good idea, even if it’s only an occasional comment made in a moment of passion. While parental alienation isn’t included as a diagnosis in the DSM-V, there is an entry for distress children can feel when their parents have a strained relationship with each other. When a parent makes comments about the other parent, this can make the children feel like they must take sides, and it can cause the children anxiety. According to Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker, children inherently know that half of them comes from their mom and half of them comes from their dad. Children, consciously or unconsciously, can view put-downs directed at the other parent as put-downs directed toward them. Children who internalize the put-downs can suffer issues with self-esteem, self-blaming, self-hatred, all of which can lead to “substance abuse, legal problems, eating disorders, and self-injurious behaviors.” There’s also the simple fact that it hurts when we hear another person putting down someone we love.
If the comments you are saying about your former spouse and co-parent are things you’d never say about your children, then the comments are best kept private.
It’s also important to think about what you are sharing with your children and whether it’s appropriate information for them to know. For example, if your relationship is ending because of one partner’s infidelity, it may not be fair, healthy, or age-appropriate for your children to know. Sometimes parents may lean on their children for emotional support. It can be difficult for a child to play the role of therapist or friend, especially if it means seeing how much the other parent is hurting mommy or daddy.
Negative comments can also infiltrate parenting time in other ways. Co-parents may have different parenting styles, and one parent might comment upon one parent’s appeared “strictness” or rules. Parents should resist the temptation to comment negatively upon the other parent’s rules or make comments about how parenting time with the other parent would be “no fun.”
Finally, parents should avoid trying to find information about the other parent’s personal life through the children and avoid using the children to relay information.
According to research published in the Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, children who are alienated from the other parent report having more anger, feel neglected (and sometimes are actually neglected while being stuck in the middle of parental conflict), find themselves repeating the destructive patterns they witnessed in their parents’ relationship, may be more prone to lie, may see the world in black and white or “us vs. them,” and may lack empathy as they get older.
While situations of abuse and coercive control must be addressed, more often, co-parents badmouth each other because of unresolved resentment, anger, and sadness. If you find yourself sometimes badmouthing your ex around the kids and want to stop, you might want to consider therapy and counseling to give yourself a safe child-free space to vent your frustrations.
If your ex is badmouthing you to the kids, and you find yourself on the receiving end of the comments, you might want to speak to your co-parent about your concerns, explain your concerns about how it might impact the children, and, as a last resort, speak to your lawyer about ways you might be able to address it through your child custody or parenting plan.
Collaborative Divorce: A Solution When Coercive Control Isn’t an Issue
If coercive control or abuse isn’t an issue, you and your former partner might want to explore whether collaborative divorce or collaborative conflict-resolution might offer you a way forward when it comes to creating a parenting plan, adjusting an existing parenting plan, and drafting your divorce settlement. When couples divorce peacefully, they are less likely to hold the kind of resentment and anger that can lead to situations where one parent will badmouth the other. When couples can develop a co-parenting plan collaboratively, they can come to see one another as partners in raising their children (even when they can no longer be romantic partners to one another).
The collaborative divorce lawyers at Truce Law in Washington state work closely with parents to help them develop co-parenting plans that work. Often the collaborative divorce team will only consist of each parent and their respective collaborative attorney, but sometimes the team might also include mediators, counselors, psychologists, therapists, and other professionals. With collaborative divorce, the goal is to avoid court, and the goal is to ultimately reach a compromise and solution that is beneficial to all. In situations where there are years of resentment, or recent infidelity, counselors or therapists may be available to help both parties work through their emotional distress to help them approach the co-parenting and parenting plan process with clear heads.
When Collaborative Divorce May Not Be the Best Choice
If you have concerns that your ex’s comments during parenting time are interfering with your relationship with your children or have concerns that your children are being isolated from you and extended family due to issues with coercive control, collaborative divorce may not be the answer. Where there is abuse, control, or manipulation, the collaborative process can often be used a tool to result in further abuse, control, or manipulation. Truce Law is a family law firm that works with couples facing a range of family law issues. Our family law attorneys can take the time to learn more about your situation and point you toward the solution that is right for you.
Sometimes coercive control might not be an issue, but rather, the occasional comment might simply be the result of lingering resentment or anger. The collaborative process may be able to help if this is the case. Sometimes issues can be addressed through adjustments to a parenting plan, or through family counseling and therapy. Sometimes the other parent may become amenable to seek therapy or counseling if they are made aware of how their comments might be affecting the children.
If your children are coming home and telling you about how your ex is badmouthing you, you may want to speak to your collaborative lawyer about ways you can address your concerns about your children’s wellbeing. The collaborative process can include lawyers, mediators, counselors, and therapists, who can help you and your former partner work through ongoing resentment or anger and avoid having to address issues of parental alienation in court.
Key Takeaways
If you’re struggling with badmouthing your ex, or if you’re concerned about your ex’s badmouthing, the collaborative process might be a way to help you and your former partner work through concerns and issues. While the collaborative process isn’t for everyone (it might not be the best path forward if there is abuse, domestic violence, or coercive control in your relationship), it is a process that can help you and your former partner find peaceful solutions to your co-parenting concerns and divorce dilemmas. When co-parents can work through their issues, resentments, and anger in a neutral setting, they are less likely to carry the resentments and anger forward that can lead to situations where badmouthing will take place.
Most parents who divorce want to find a way to be effective co-parenting partners, even if they are no longer together romantically. The collaborative lawyers at Truce Law in the state of Washington are here to help you transition into this new phase of your family life, with conflict-resolution strategies to help your family move forward peacefully.
This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every situation is unique. For guidance specific to your circumstances, consult a licensed family law attorney in your area.