Divorce can bring out the worst in people, and it’s not uncommon for people in the middle of divorce to find themselves wondering if they’re divorcing a narcissist. But according to the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, only about 6% of the population has narcissistic personality disorder, and other estimates put the numbers even lower, at 1-2%.
If you think you might be divorcing a narcissist, read on.
In this article, the Washington state mediators and collaborative lawyers at Truce Law, will explore the different ways “narcissistic” traits can manifest in a divorce, and how paying attention to how you communicate might, in some circumstances, be able to help you keep your potentially high conflict divorce amicable.
We’ll also take some time to distinguish between “narcissistic traits,” narcissistic personality disorder, and patterns of coercive control—and identify situations where mediation, collaborative divorce, and communication strategies would be less effective.
While it may be possible to have a collaborative divorce or mediate your divorce with a person with narcissistic traits who is willing to work on their communication skills, mediation or collaborative divorce are not recommended in situations where coercive control is present. In this article we’ll explore why.
In this article, we’ll also delve more deeply into common misconceptions about narcissism. We’ll also work to dispel the myth that you can’t have an amicable divorce with someone who has some narcissistic traits.
If you think you might be divorcing a narcissist, and want to explore what your options might be, read on.
Narcissistic Traits vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
It’s important that we first distinguish between narcissistic traits vs. narcissistic personality disorder.
For a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), they must exhibit at least five traits out of nine criteria established by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition.
According to the DSM-5, a spouse with NPD might exhibit up to five of the following nine qualities:
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- A spouse with NPD might have a big ego. They might be smug, vain, or act from a place of self-perceived superiority. They might make bold or inflated claims about being “better than others,” but without the CV or track record to back up these claims.
- A spouse with NPD might see themselves as high-status or special and may only want to associate with people they perceive as being high-status or special.
- A spouse with NPD may live in a fantasy that someday (or perhaps even now), they have or will achieve success, fame, or power. In these situations, there is no evidence that they have done the work or have the qualifications to achieve the success, fame, or power they seek.
- A spouse with NPD will often seek validation and admiration—and become irritated or even combative when facing criticism.
- A spouse with NPD might be entitled. They might believe they deserve special treatment (skip to the front of the line, get angry with wait staff they perceive snub them, etc.).
- A spouse with NPD might exploit you, your children, or others in their lives to achieve goals and get what they want. A person with NPD might see people as tools or means to an end.
- A spouse with NPD might have low or no empathy.
- A spouse with NPD might exhibit frequent feelings of envy or might think that other people as envious of them.
- A spouse with NPD might be arrogant, condescending, dismissive, or offensive.
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Personality disorders are complex, and when a professional diagnoses a person with NPD, they don’t just run down a checklist but look at a range of characteristics and qualities a person exhibits.
Some of the qualities described above, for example, might manifest in a person’s appearance, including “hairstyles, or tattoos that are provoking” according to Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Paroma Mitra, Tyler J. Torrico, and Dimy Fluyau.
A clinician may also look at whether a person is praise-motivated in the clinical setting. They might also look for impulsiveness, or high persistence in seeking goals, even when the data shows that the goal cannot be achieved or is above the person’s ability level, training, or skill.
Narcissism often manifests as a pattern of coercive control. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, in her New York Times Bestselling book, It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, “Narcissism is about a deep insecurity and fragility offset by maneuvers like domination, manipulation, and gaslighting, which allow the narcissistic person to stay in control. The variable empathy and lack of self-awareness mean that they do not stop to consider the harm their behavior is creating for other people.”
Ultimately, the most damaging characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder in relationships and divorce is the pattern of coercive control. A person with narcissism will often blame their former partner for the divorce and may even try to seek revenge through the divorce process. They will often try to control the process, going as far as to use litigation and lawyers to control and potentially harm their former partner. Divorce with a person who truly has NPD can be an exhausting, costly, and emotionally draining process.
Yet, divorce can also bring up very strong feelings, and it’s entirely possible for someone to exhibit “narcissistic traits” during a divorce, but not actually have NPD. For example, we do expect our partners to validate and admire us in our intimate relationships. The loss of validation and admiration that comes when we file for divorce can leave anyone thrown off balance.
If your partner feels like he or she was wronged due to infidelity or other issues in your marriage, he or she might approach your divorce thinking he or she might deserve special treatment in the settlement because of the harm he or she suffered in the marriage. Anger and resentment can lead to behaviors that might seem “entitled” to a former spouse. This isn’t necessarily narcissism, but it most certainly suggests that there might be resentment and anger that needs to be addressed.
And it’s not uncommon for someone who is angry or resentful to use the settlement process and child custody process to settle scores.
People who are angry can exhibit low empathy toward a person who has hurt them. They might come across as arrogant, condescending, dismissive, or offensive.
Again, this is not necessarily NPD, but potentially the impact of the elevated emotions during divorce.
The Dangers of Self-Diagnosis
Because divorce can often bring out our worst qualities, it’s important to be cautious before you jump to conclusions about your former partner being a narcissist.
It’s important to note that even if your partner exhibits behaviors like NPD or other personality disorders during your divorce, only a licensed clinician can perform a diagnosis.
And even if your life has been damaged due to your partner’s behavior, it’s also important to note that unless your partner is willing to seek professional help and a diagnosis, no one, not even your own therapist, can diagnose someone who isn’t present in the clinical setting.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains in It’s Not You, “We cannot diagnose a patient on the basis of what other people are experiencing, even if those other people are experiencing distress and harm.” So, even if your self-report of your partner indicates that your spouse may have NPD, your therapist cannot make that diagnosis.
To make matters more complicated, Dr. Ramani Durvasula adds, “people who have narcissistic personality styles won’t typically show up to therapy for evaluation, and it can take several weeks or months to definitively determine NPD.”
At the end of the day, playing armchair psychologist can be counterproductive in the context of divorce. If you label your spouse a narcissist when he or she doesn’t have a formal diagnosis, you might unwittingly make your divorce harder than it needs to be. You might be tempted to avoid potentially conflict-reducing divorce strategies like mediation or collaborative divorce if you’ve already written off your former spouse as a narcissist or decided, on your own, that they have NPD.
So, how do you know what path toward divorce is safe and best for you, if you suspect you are divorcing a narcissist, but don’t have a formal diagnosis?
Let’s be clear: there are situations where collaborative divorce, mediation, and amicable divorce solutions aren’t good options.
In the context of divorce law, we don’t look at whether someone is a narcissist or not to determine whether mediation or collaborative divorce are good options. Instead, judges and lawyers look at whether a relationship exhibits signs of domestic violence or coercive control.
Domestic Violence and Coercive Control as Defined by Washington State Law
Domestic violence and coercive control are clearly defined by Washington state law.
Under RCW 10.99.020, domestic violence is defined as a crime “committed by either (a) one family or household member against another family or household member, or (b) one intimate partner against another intimate partner.” The crimes can include assault, reckless endangerment, coercion, burglary, criminal trespass, malicious mischief, kidnapping, unlawful imprisonment, violation of a restraining order, rape, and stalking.
Washington law and the courts also recognize that because of the nature of domestic violence and coercive control, sometimes situations involving domestic violence may not involve criminal violations. Under RCW 7.105.101, coercive control is defined as “a pattern of behavior that is used to cause another person to suffer physical, emotional, or psychological harm, and in purpose or effect unreasonably interferes with a person’s free will and personal liberty.”
Coercive control can include behavior that intimidates another person to the extent that their free will is limited. This can include using technology to stalk, harass, or humiliate. It can include threatening behavior, including threats to harm family members, children, or pets, or career. A person’s immigration status might be held as a threat (“I’ll divorce you before you qualify for your marriage-based citizenship” or “I’ll report you to ICE”).
Coercive control can include threats of suicide, or self-harm, or attempting suicide or self-harm as a means of control. A person in a coercively controlling relationship might be forced into silence by their partner’s threats to reveal potentially sensitive personal information. The victim might also be isolated from their social networks, family, and friends.
Coercive control can also include financial exploitation, impregnating a person against their will or getting pregnant against the other partner’s will, monitoring the person’s movements or behavior, and using litigation and the divorce as a form of control, harassment, or abuse.
Individuals with narcissism, or NPD might be more likely to exhibit these kinds of behaviors, but it’s important to note that the state doesn’t include NPD or narcissism on any of these lists. Rather, when determining whether a couple is a candidate for court-ordered mediation, the court will look to see whether there is evidence of domestic violence or coercive control in the relationship.
When Mediation or Collaborative Divorce is NOT the Answer
Individuals with a history of domestic violence or coercive control might be more likely to use violent or controlling behaviors in mediation to control outcomes. Because of this, these individuals are typically not good candidates for court-ordered mediation, and for these same reasons, these individuals might not be good candidates for collaborative divorce. Additionally, if your former partner has exhibited a pattern of lying, hiding assets, or if you are concerned for your children’s safety or your safety, collaborative divorce and mediation might not be right for you.
Before a couple begins mediation or collaborative divorce, a good mediator or collaborative divorce lawyer will ask the couple questions about their relationship to determine whether coercive control or domestic violence is an issue. Sometimes, people who think they are divorcing a narcissist, are really in situations of domestic violence or coercive control. If this is the case, collaborative divorce or mediation may not be good options, and it might be wise to speak to an attorney skilled in divorce involving domestic violence, coercive control, and high conflict.
Situations where Mediation and Collaborative Divorce Can Help
If coercive control or domestic violence isn’t present in your relationship, collaborative divorce and mediation might still offer you and your former partner a more peaceful and amicable path forward. It’s a common misconception that mediation or collaborative divorce are options that are only available for couples with low conflict.
Mediators and collaborative divorce lawyers are trained to handle conflict. And even if your spouse seems to be exhibiting some narcissistic traits, if your relationship doesn’t involve domestic violence or coercive control, it may still be possible to choose a peaceful path forward, especially if your former partner is willing to commit to mediation or the collaborative process.
If your partner does exhibit some narcissistic traits, it’s important to consider whether your partner is willing to seek counseling or couple’s counseling to navigate your divorce. A person who truly has NPD will often resist counseling, therapy, mediation, or other peaceful divorce solutions. A personal who has NPD will also not likely want to negotiate or compromise. Instead, they’ll likely seek leverage to try to secure a “win.”
Finally, mediation and collaborative divorce can help in high conflict situations. Mediators and collaborative divorce attorneys encourage clients to drop judgement and labels, and instead to focus on feelings, and expressing your own needs. Negotiation and counseling can sometimes help a person struggling with a divorce to overcome some of the narcissistic traits that might be affecting peaceful collaboration and amicable divorce.
Sometimes just addressing the underlying feelings of resentment and anger can often be enough to help address some of the traits that might be making your divorce more difficult. For example, if your partner felt like he or she was wronged in your marriage and feels entitled to special treatment during the divorce settlement, communication that addresses resentment and anger can often help bring a partner around to negotiation rather than making demands.
Mediation and collaborative communication can also increase mutual feelings of empathy. You may not always agree with your partner, but you can, at the very least, understand where he or she is coming from. Because mediation strategies work to diffuse judgement, it can sometimes reduce the arrogant, condescending, dismissive, or even offensive behavior stemming from anger, feelings of rejection, and resentment.
Next Steps
The hope is that this article will help clarify some misconceptions about narcissism in divorce and lead more people to choose amicable paths to divorce when they are still available to them. Of course, some situations don’t allow for amicable paths to divorce. If you find yourself in a divorce involving domestic violence or coercive control, it’s important to speak to a divorce lawyer who is qualified in handling these high conflict divorces. If your relationship does involve coercive control or domestic violence, the time when you are likely to be at greatest danger is when you try to leave these relationships. It’s important to seek help and to trust your gut.
It can sometimes be difficult to know the difference between high conflict, coercive control, and domestic violence. If you need to talk it through, consider reaching out to the collaborative divorce lawyers at Truce Law today. We can review your situation, help you determine whether mediation or collaborative divorce is a good choice for you, or guide you in the right direction.
A spouse with NPD will often seek validation and admiration—and become irritated or even combative when facing criticism.
This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every situation is unique. For guidance specific to your circumstances, consult a licensed family law attorney in your area.