You’ve decided you want a divorce, but your partner doesn’t want one. What can you do?
It’s not uncommon for one person to be ready to file for divorce, while the other still wants to fight to save the marriage.
In this article, we’ll explore what happens when your former spouse is uncooperative in the divorce process. But more crucially, we’ll also explore some tips and strategies you can use to help your partner come around.
While you can still proceed with filing even if your partner doesn’t agree to the divorce, the process will likely be anything but amicable. When your partner refuses to cooperate, your only option would be to move your divorce through the courts. As collaborative divorce lawyers and mediators in Washington state, we see filing for divorce without your spouse’s cooperation as a last resort option. In this article, we’ll explore why.
Contents:
- Filing for Divorce When Your Partner Doesn’t Want a Divorce
- How Can I Encourage My Spouse to Agree to the Divorce?
- Your Partner Wants to Save the Marriage
- Need Help?
Filing for Divorce When Your Partner Doesn’t Want a Divorce
If your partner doesn’t want to cooperate in the divorce process, this is usually what happens…
You File for Divorce Without Your Spouse’s Input.
You’ll work with your divorce lawyer to file divorce papers in the county where you live. Because your spouse isn’t involved in the divorce process, your divorce lawyer will help you fill out and file the petition for divorce on your own.
When filling out the petition, which you can download here, you’ll have the option of asking the court to divide marital property as you propose (and then submitting your proposal with the help of your divorce lawyer) or checking the box to “ask the court to divide the personal property fairly (equitably) as the court decides.”
If you have a prenuptial agreement, you can submit the prenup along with the petition for divorce and ask that the court divide debts and property in accordance with the written agreement.
If you have minor children, you can ask the court to order a parenting plan or submit your own proposed parenting plan to the court. You can also ask the court in your petition to order child support. Few people want to leave crucial decisions like parenting or the division of their financial lives in the hands of a judge. You’ll likely work closely with your divorce lawyer to submit a proposed division of property and debts, and proposed parenting plan that protects your rights.
You Formally Deliver the Divorce Papers to Your Spouse
After you file your petition for divorce with the court, you’ll need to formally deliver (serve) your spouse the divorce paperwork (the paperwork will include the summons and petition for divorce).
The court will not finalize your divorce if you don’t have formal proof that you notified your spouse that you filed for divorce, especially if your spouse doesn’t want to divorce or is noncooperative. While you might think that this process should be as simple as handing your spouse the divorce papers, the court has formal rules about how divorce paperwork must be delivered or served.
Anyone who is 18 years or older who is not involved in your marriage or divorce can serve the papers, but if you work with a divorce lawyer, he or she will likely hire a professional process server to deliver the paperwork. Sometimes even an initially resistant spouse will sign the Acceptance of Service form when the process server comes knocking. Yet, if your spouse is resistant to receiving the paperwork, the process server can still fill out a form known as the Declaration of Service to inform the court about the date, time, and method the divorce summons and petition were delivered.
There are situations where service can become even more complicated, such as a situation where you cannot locate your spouse, or situations where you don’t know where your spouse lives. Your divorce lawyer can help you understand your options for alternative service, and help you navigate these processes.
You Wait for a Response
Once your spouse has been formally served the divorce paperwork, they’ll have a period to respond. During this process, they can write their own demands for how they want property and debts to be divided or submit their own proposed parenting plan to the court. Usually by the time a reluctant spouse receives divorce paperwork, they realize that “this is really happening” and then either hire a divorce lawyer to help them respond to the paperwork or finally agree to sit down at the negotiating table and work out a settlement.
Hearing / Default Judgement
If throughout the process, your former spouse never responds to your divorce petition, you’ll attend the court hearing after the waiting period and ask the judge to enter a default judgement (the default judgement will reflect either your proposed division of property and debts and child custody plan, or the judge’s decision about how to divide property and debts and arrange child custody).
If your former partner isn’t present, the judge will look to confirm that your spouse received notice and that there is evidence that the paperwork was properly served—and that your partner had adequate time to respond. Any issues here could lead to a delay or could result in the judge dropping your case, so if you do anticipate that your former spouse will be uncooperative, it’s wise to work with a divorce lawyer familiar with the divorce process in these situations.
If your spouse does decide to respond or show up to the hearing, the judge will give your spouse a chance to respond to your petition. Several things can happen if your spouse contests your divorce at the hearing stage: the judge can rule on your case (either in favor of your proposals, in favor of your spouse’s proposals; or more likely, somewhere in between); the judge can order you and your former spouse to attend alternative dispute resolution; or the judge might schedule another hearing date if more evidence is needed, if new issues come to light, if a continuance is requested (delay in the divorce proceedings), or if discovery is required.
Key Takeaways
When one spouse wants to file for divorce, but the other partner doesn’t want to cooperate, divorce can get messy and complicated. If you want to keep things amicable, filing a joint petition for uncontested divorce is often best. When couples file for divorce using the joint petition for uncontested divorce, they still work with divorce lawyers, a mediator, or collaborative divorce lawyers to negotiate their divorce settlement. When all the details are finalized, the couple then files for uncontested divorce using the joint petition.
When a spouse isn’t cooperative, you’ll be left filling out the divorce petition alone (usually with the help of your divorce lawyer). This can set in motion a back-and-forth between you and your ex and the courts as you respond and counter-respond to proposals through the courts and your lawyers. If your spouse remains uncooperative, it could leave you having to navigate the divorce process entirely on your own and leave you having to prove to a judge that you followed all legal procedures to formally inform your spouse and give them time to respond.
When your spouse is cooperative, you can both sit down together with your divorce attorneys or mediator and work through the divorce paperwork together, making decisions about how to divide property and debts, and co-parent. This can often save you both the burden of having to endure the costly back and forth of litigation.
How Can I Encourage My Spouse to Agree to the Divorce?
Let’s start by acknowledging the different reasons why you might have found yourself here, because the answers to each are slightly different.
1. You have told your partner you want a divorce, but he or she has told you that they’d prefer to work on the marriage. Your partner doesn’t want a divorce and has told you as much.
2. You haven’t told your partner you want a divorce, but highly suspect that if you were to broach the subject, your partner would want to fight to save the marriage.
3. You’ve filed for divorce, but your partner refuses Acceptance of Service (he or she refuses to sign that they received the paperwork).
You’d really prefer to do this amicably, rather than go the route of hiring a process server and court.
If you find yourself in the last situation, your only option might be to proceed with your divorce as detailed above.
Yet, if you find yourself in the first two scenarios—don’t lose hope just yet.
At Truce Law, we are a team of collaborative divorce lawyers and mediators committed to helping couples settle their divorces amicably—outside of court.
We work with individuals and couples at all stages of their divorce journey.
Let’s explore what you can do in the first two situations described above, and steps you can take to potentially keep your divorce amicable.
Your Partner Wants to Save the Marriage
You’ve sat down with your partner and had the tough conversation. You’ve told your spouse you want a divorce. But instead of rationally discussing the next steps, your spouse responds with denial, pleas to save the marriage, requests that you attend couples’ counseling, or outright refuses to get divorced.
If you find yourself in this situation, you might want to take a beat before you run to the courthouse, file for divorce, and send a process server to deliver the paperwork.
Keep in mind that you’ve probably been thinking seriously about this divorce for a very long time, while your partner only just now has learned that you’re truly ready to call it quits. Even if you both have had trouble in the marriage, and even if you’ve talked about getting divorced, it’s one thing to consider divorce as an option and in the abstract, and another thing entirely to decide to pursue it.
Your spouse might need some time to process the news and come to terms with accepting your decision. If you have children, you might not have told them yet and may need to decide when and how to tell them. Your spouse may be struggling with feelings of shame and failure about the marriage ending and may be struggling with how to share the news with friends, family, and even co-workers.
In short, they just might need some time.
Here are some things you can do while you give your spouse some time and space to process the news:
Couples’ Counseling
Couples’ counseling isn’t just for couples trying to save their marriage. It’s not a bad idea to schedule a few couples’ counseling sessions with your spouse where you can affirm your decision to get divorced in a safe and supportive therapeutic space. Here your spouse can receive the professional support he or she needs to process the information and the news. Your spouse might be more likely to arrive at acceptance sooner with the right support.
Give Your Spouse Space
After getting the news, your spouse might go through all the stages of grief, which includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. Your spouse’s current refusal to get divorced might just be part of the stages of grieving (see denial and bargaining). Give your spouse the space to move through these feelings. If you’ve decided to get divorced, it’s understandable to want to quickly move on to the next steps. During this time, you can work with your divorce lawyer to get things in order, or work with your own counselor or therapist to prepare you for the tough conversations to come.
Remain Consistent in Your Messaging
Divorce can bring up all kinds of doubts, even for the person initiating the divorce. If you are absolutely committed to moving forward with divorce, it’s important that you remain firm in your decision, and make sure that your messaging, your words, and your actions align with that decision. The goal is to help your spouse reach acceptance sooner, rather than later. Ambiguity will only lengthen the process. You might not want to move out of the family home just yet (for practical and legal reasons), but you can sleep in a separate room or adjust your schedule, like waking up earlier, or going to bed later, to create more space between you and your partner.
Ask to Explore the Next Steps with Your Former Spouse
Even while giving your spouse time to process the news, there are things you can do to keep the ball rolling. If you haven’t told your children yet, you can ask your spouse how they would like to break the news to your children or suggest scheduling a couples’ or family therapy session where you can explore how and when you want to break the news. You can also talk to your spouse about when they would like to schedule meetings with mediators or with collaborative divorce lawyers. You can explain that your goal is to keep the divorce amicable. Amicable divorces don’t just happen. They are planned. You can gauge how ready your partner might be to move forward with how responsive he or she might be to making these appointments and having tough conversations.
Finally, keep in mind that any decisions you make during the divorce process can affect your divorce settlement down the line. So, while it might be tempting to move out of the house to make your point, doing so could impact everything from your property settlement (including who keeps the house) to your parenting plan. If you are thinking of moving out of the family home, your divorce lawyer can help you take steps to protect your rights.
And, if your goal is an amicable divorce, the collaborative divorce lawyers at Truce Law in Washington state are here to help you get there. Reach out to our team today for a Case Evaluation.
And If You Haven’t Told Your Spouse You Want a Divorce…
If you haven’t told your spouse you want a divorce but suspect that your partner will want to save the marriage, it’s wise to take some time to prepare for the conversation.
It can be helpful sometimes to have the conversation in a therapeutic setting or in a couples’ counseling session, especially if you aren’t sure how your partner might react or if you think they might need more support after you deliver the news.
While many couples who file for divorce have been facing trouble in their marriage and might have discussed divorce many times before, sometimes the decision to get divorced comes as the result of a sudden change in one person’s life.
- Someone meets someone new
- Someone gets a job in another city
- You have a sudden breakthrough in therapy
If this is the case, it can be smart to work with a therapist or counselor to help you prepare yourself and your partner for the tough conversation to come.
It’s also a good idea to be in conversation with your divorce lawyer before you sit down to have the conversation because your divorce lawyer can help you troubleshoot issues before they arise. Once you tell your spouse you want a divorce, you can’t go back. Having your financial and legal documents in order before you begin the process is always a good idea.
Finally, here’s one last thing to keep in mind: we often imagine something will be far worse than it turns out to be.
The truth is that you won’t know how your partner will react to your request to get divorced until you sit down and actually have the conversation.
Need Help?
If you need help and guidance, the collaborative divorce lawyers in Seattle, Washington at Truce Law are here to help you every step of the way. We can connect you with counselors or therapists who can help support you as you have these tough conversations, and we can help you get your legal and financial documents in order before you sit down to talk. We help couples have amicable divorces. Contact our Washington state collaborative divorce lawyers today.
This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every situation is unique. For guidance specific to your circumstances, consult a licensed family law attorney in your area.