If you are thinking of living physically apart from your spouse, while still staying married, you are not alone. Nearly four million married Americans live apart from their spouses, and while a significant proportion of couples who live apart while married include military spouses, more couples are living apart by choice. The “Living Apart Together” movement has gained attention with celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Julia Roberts popularizing the idea that distance really does make the heart grow fonder.
There’s research to back up the idea. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist asked, “Why does good sex so often fade even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?” Perel wondered, “Can we want what we already have?”
There’s an irony in the question, because to desire is to want something (which implies lack), while to be married is to have and to hold. With so many marriages and relationships ending due to a loss of passion, Perel made it her life’s work to find “the secret to desire in a long-term relationship.” Perel noticed that in cultures where romance was privileged, couples experienced what she called a “crisis in desire.”
Perel found that a successful marriage is the reconciliation of two human needs: the need for a sense of home, “the need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence” and the need “for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected.” Bringing together these two human needs in a passionate marriage that preserves a sense of home while also preserving a sense of the unknown, a sense of risk, is the challenge that many couples face.
Perel ultimately concluded that a crisis in desire in modern marriage often comes down to a failure of the imagination. With love, she explains, we want to bridge the distance between us and our beloved, while with desire, we want or someone “we can go visit.” Perel explains, “desire needs space.” In her study on the nature of desire, Perel traveled to 20 different countries and asked couples when they were most drawn to their partner. Overwhelmingly individuals answered that they were most drawn to their partner when they were apart, and when they reunite. Couples who could introduce a sense of longing into their relationship could rekindle desire.
Perel explains, “sex is not a thing you do, it is a place you go.”
So, what better way to create a sense of longing and distance than to literally live apart?
Rather than get divorced or separated because of a loss of passion, some couples are exploring creative solutions to rekindle desire in their marriages. Married couples who live apart by choice might do so in response to a crisis in passion in their marriage. Others might choose to live apart in the wake of a decision to pursue an open relationship, or after one partner’s infidelity. Couples who try the living apart together arrangement often talk about how they feel like they are dating their partner again. Social psychologist, Samantha Joel explains that couples who live apart, but stay together, report more passion and loving feelings toward their spouse than couples who live together.
Others might decide that it’s better to live apart rather than navigate disagreements about household chores, home décor, or living arrangements. Caretaking is one surefire way to destroy desire. Esther Perel emphatically notes, “There is no caretaking in desire.” The New York Times reports that women are driving the recent increase in the number of people choosing to live apart while married.
By finding a space of their own, these women find freedom from the social expectations of the role of “wife” or “mother.” Kelly Marie Coyne, who teaches American Studies at Georgetown University, writes, “Living apart can be a way for women to reap the benefits of marriage—love, commitment, support—while avoiding the burdens that traditionally come with being a wife, including the disproportionate amount of work that tends to fall on them at home.” Women entering gray marriages might choose to live apart from their spouses when they get remarried because they don’t want to repeat the pattern of taking care of a husband or children.
Esther Perel writes that to preserve the erotic, couples need to nurture the playful and even the transgressive parts of their partners. For women, that transgression may be expressed in a desire to escape the caretaking role. Living apart but staying married gives some women that feeling of rebellion and freedom—the ability to bring a little Eat, Pray, Love, into their life without the need for divorce.
Some couples may choose to live apart, but remain married, rather than pursue a formal separation or divorce. As children leave home, new empty-nesters may suddenly find themselves navigating changed relationship dynamics and priorities. The same may be true for individuals nearing retirement age, who find that they’ll have time to pursue new interests or goals and decide that those interests and goals include living apart. For example, one spouse might have dreamed his whole life of moving back to the country, while his spouse might not want to leave behind friends and social connections in the city. Living apart but staying together can be a solution.
Couples might find themselves in a period of transition or growth and may want to take time apart to take stock of their priorities, to get clear about what they want from their relationship and life. Some might be older couples who face separation from one another when one partner’s health begins to fail. In fact, according to an article on the living apart together movement published by Berkeley, people who try the living apart together lifestyle tend to be older.
Many people in long term marriages sometimes fantasize about having a place of their own, of being able to set their own schedule, and arrange the house just as they want it, without having to worry about his socks on the floor, or her exercise equipment taking up the garage when he wants space for an extra car. Some couples are not just fantasizing. They are making it a reality.
Married couples who live apart together might not necessarily be in long-distance relationships. Some might live just blocks away from one another while others might live in different states, or even different countries.
Many couples are exploring living apart as a way to address issues in their marriages.
But not all couples choose to live apart because of a crisis in their relationship. Some couples get married and choose to live apart from the outset. As couples get married older, they may find that they value their personal space and the single lifestyle more than they value living with their partner. Others feel that the personal space is essential to their mental and physical health. Rather than giving up their independence, they realize they can have it all—a home of their own and a spouse—just around the block. Why fight about the thermostat or décor when you can live in different spaces in the same condo building or block? Others might choose the arrangement because they value their independence.
Couples who are getting remarried with children may not want to move in with a new spouse because of concerns about impacting their child custody agreement. In the state of Washington, moving to a different school district, even if it’s only across town, could potentially trigger a re-evaluation of your parenting plan. Couples might choose to live apart even after they get married because they don’t want to potentially re-open a custody battle or be forced to go back to the negotiating table with their ex. Others may choose to live apart because they don’t want to disrupt their children’s lives.
Others who have children, may not be so concerned about child custody concerns, but choose to not move in with their spouse out of respect for their children. Gwyneth Paltrow, for example, mentioned that she and her new husband both have teenage children, and choose to live apart out of respect for their children’s feelings. Other couples find that they can keep their new relationship separate from their parenting role, taking time to nurture their relationship when the children are spending time with their co-parent. The new partner might not want to co-parent children from a previous marriage, and the living apart, together arrangement eliminates the need for a new partner to play the step-parenting role.
Then there are the couples who live apart but stay married for practical reasons. Military couples can sometimes spend weeks or months apart because of the realities of deployment. If a partner’s work commitments or educational opportunities take them to another state or city, the couple might choose to live apart. Moving when another spouse gets a work or educational opportunity can often damage the career of the “tag along” spouse. The couple may also not want to uproot their children, choosing to live apart rather than disrupt their children’s connections to friends, community, school, and family.
Other couples might work from home and find that they can work more efficiently if they don’t live with their spouse. Others have gotten divorced in the past, know how difficult it can be to disentangle two lives, and want to keep things simple—to get married, but live apart.
Some women choose to live apart from their spouses because it gives them the ability to focus on their careers without the pressure of gendered expectations to run a household. One women reported that her career took off when she and her partner decided to give living apart a try. Ultimately, the couple moved back in together, but into a bigger home, where they each could have a room of their own. Queer couples might choose to live apart when they get married to avoid falling into heteronormative marriage schemas.
Living apart, while remaining married is not without its challenges. Couples who can pull it off tend to have higher incomes and can support two separate households, with two separate rents or mortgages; others are older and are ready to downsize the family home, and in the process realize that they can afford two smaller spaces rather than one larger one.
While some couples are equally balanced in their need for alone time and togetherness, there’s always the risk that one partner will want more closeness than the other, which could lead to conflict. Communication is key, to manage expectations, finances, and jealousy. Some couples might pursue open relationships when they live apart, but many do not.
Living apart together may require some planning, including some legal planning.
If you plan to live apart but remain married (or plan to get married, but live apart), there are some things you’ll want to consider as a couple, given Washington state marriage laws.
For example, couples who live apart may want to keep their financial lives separate as well. It’s not a given under Washington law that just because you live in separate homes, your property, assets, and debts will be considered separate.
Under Washington community property laws, couples who want to keep their financial lives separate may need to take additional legal steps to avoid potential confusion down the line. A prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreement can help you make financial arrangements that align with your living arrangement.
For example, without a postnuptial agreement or prenuptial agreement, any debts a spouse gets into while living in their own space would be considered shared marital debts. Let’s say a couple sells their family home and buys two smaller condo units, with each unit in one spouse’s name. The couple might think that the condo is owned by the spouse whose name is on the deed, but again, disputes could arise should they ever choose to get divorced. In the state of Washington, it doesn’t necessarily matter whose name is on the deed. What matters is whether the property was acquired after marriage using marital funds. If the property was acquired after marriage using marital funds, it could be considered shared marital property, even if only one person’s name is on the deed.
One way couples can avoid these potential issues if they plan to live apart after they have been living together is to get a postnuptial agreement. With a postnuptial agreement, couples can choose how they want their financial lives to be arranged, rather than relying on Washington’s community property laws. For example, will you share a bank account, or have separate accounts? Will you share debts, or do you want to make it clear that any debts your partner gets into while you are living apart are theirs alone?
When married couples live apart, communication regarding finances is more important than couples living together. Couples might think that they have taken steps to keep their finances separate, but without a prenuptial agreement or postnuptial agreement, issues can sometimes come up.
If you will be choosing to live apart, but stay married, a postnuptial agreement or prenuptial agreement can offer you and your spouse a way to discuss finances, and set some clear financial ground rules, especially if you’ll no longer be sharing a home. Your prenuptial agreement lawyer can help you identify potential issues that could arise, and help you bring in other professionals, like financial planners, and retirement planners, if needed.
Some couples may choose to live apart instead of getting divorced or formally separated, especially if they are facing strain in their marriage. But if you plan to live apart, it’s important to consider that decisions you make when you move out could potentially impact your divorce, if things end up going that way. If you are still married, any financial decisions or mistakes made by your partner while you are living apart could potentially impact you financially. Decisions about parenting time could potentially impact a formal parenting plan if you end up filing for divorce.
Couples may not want to draft out a formal separation agreement in this kind of scenario. But this is a situation where a good postnuptial agreement can be useful. This allows the couple to discuss and negotiate finances with the help of a prenuptial agreement attorney who can help the couple navigate the potential challenges that living apart can raise.
For couples who plan to have long-distance marriages, the questions can become even more complex, especially if things go wrong and the couple ends up filing for divorce. Couples who live in separate states face the added challenge of potentially having two states where they could legally file for divorce. Military couples face this kind of challenge quite a bit, where one spouse is deployed in one state, the military spouse lives in another state, and the couple calls a third state home. Couples who plan to live in separate states could potentially avoid such challenges by drafting a postnuptial agreement before they start living apart. Not only would such an agreement help the couple concretize their financial plan, but it can also help the couple clarify which state’s laws they would want to govern their marriage or divorce.
Different states have different divorce laws. Without an agreement in place, your spouse might fight to file for divorce in the state where they believe they are more likely to get the most favorable divorce settlement. Washington is a community property state, meaning all property and assets acquired during marriage are considered shared, with a few important exceptions. Many other states are common law states, where couples can keep assets separate by putting property in only one partner’s name or by maintaining separate accounts.
If you live apart and end up getting divorced, without an agreement in place, you could end up having to travel to another state for court hearings and dates or could end up finding your divorce settlement governed by state laws you may not be familiar with. A prenuptial or postnuptial agreement can help set clear expectations.
Is living apart, but staying (or getting) married right for you? You’ll need to reflect on whether you both are truly on the same page. If one person wants more time together than the other, there will be difficulty in making the arrangement work. One way couples can decide if the arrangement makes sense is by doing a “trial run” where one partner rents out an Airbnb or short-term rental—something that doesn’t require a year commitment. You’ll also need to have a serious talk about finances and may even want to formalize the discussion with a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement.
The state of Washington prenuptial and postnuptial agreement attorneys at Truce Law help couples navigate a wide range of family law concerns. Our lawyers are here to help you navigate the legal aspects of living apart, together.
This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every situation is unique. For guidance specific to your circumstances, consult a licensed family law attorney in your area.