Co-parenting over the holidays brings unique challenges, but also many opportunities.
The first holiday season after divorce can be especially challenging. You and your former partner likely haven’t established post-divorce holiday traditions, and old memories of celebrating the holiday together as a family might still be fresh. Yet, your first holiday after divorce is also a unique opportunity to create new family traditions. The mosaic of celebrations you create after divorce can be beautiful.
Most couples work out their holiday co-parenting schedules when they get divorced, so the good news is that you probably already have a general road map in place. But if you’re still in the process of working out your parenting plan and are struggling with how to co-parent over the holidays, this article has you covered.
When crafting a holiday co-parenting plan, here are some things to keep in mind:
- Holiday Schedules. Some families might choose to alternate years the children spend with each parent, while other families might work out arrangements where the children spend part of the day with one parent and the other part of the day with the other parent. Some low-conflict co-parents might even choose to celebrate the holiday together, perhaps in a neutral place, like a grandparent’s home or a friend’s home, at a rental property, or at church or religious services.
- When Creating a Holiday Schedule, Consider Existing Traditions. Most experts agree that co-parenting schedules that promote consistency and stability for the children are best. The more holiday traditions you can keep intact, the better.
A co-parenting schedule that remains consistent from year to year (even if you spend alternating years with the children) is better than one where there’s conflict and a constant change of plans. For example, if the whole family has always gathered to celebrate Christmas with the children’s grandparents on Christmas Eve, you and your former partner might choose to maintain that tradition to keep the holiday celebration stable for your children’s sake.
Co-parenting is a balance between maintaining consistency and stability for the children, while accommodating your changed circumstances. Big and small concessions that allow your children to maintain a sense of normalcy as they navigate the big changes can make a big difference. When it comes to maintaining family traditions, pick your battles, and be prepared to make concessions.
For example, if the kids get to go to the grandparents’ house every Christmas Eve, then maybe they get to spend Thanksgiving with you, and your extended family. Or, if you’re the big birthday planner in the family, maybe you give up Christmas Eve, but get the children on their birthdays. The collaborative divorce lawyers at Truce Law help couples find amicable solutions to some of the most difficult co-parenting dilemmas.
We use tools from mediation and negotiation to help you get clear about your values and goals and find compromises that work. If you’re struggling with figuring out a holiday schedule that works, consider reaching out to the collaborative divorce lawyers in Washington state at Truce Law.
- Consider extended family. Consider how extended family members like grandparents, aunties, and uncles have been involved in holiday traditions. For some families, this might mean traveling over the holiday to see extended family, and for others it might mean making time for annual dinners, lunches, or potlucks.
Many families already alternate between visiting the paternal and maternal grandparents over the holidays, and some divorcing couples choose to preserve these travel arrangements in their holiday co-parenting plan. For these families, celebrating the holidays with their children on alternating years may already feel natural and make the most sense. Other families might have more flexible arrangements, but divorcing couples should keep in mind how the holiday co-parenting schedule will impact visitation and celebrations with extended family.
- Consider your children’s needs. If your children are old enough, you might want to check in with them to see what they want. Older children might want to spend time over winter break with their friends or need to use the break for college prep. With the collaborative divorce process, some couples bring in family therapist and child psychologists to help them find the co-parenting schedule that will best support their children’s emotional, physical, and psychological health.
And regardless of what your parenting plan says, keep in mind that flexibility is a virtue. Here are some additional things to keep in mind, especially as the holidays draw closer. In early to mid-November, you might want to…
- Confirm holiday plans with your co-parent. The holiday visitation schedule should always take precedence over the weekly visitation schedule, and both parents have a legal obligation to follow the holiday schedule outlined in the parenting plan. That said, life happens. If holiday dinner with your extended family is important to your holiday plans, confirm dates with your family members and co-parent.
A little flexibility and goodwill can go a long way to creating a peaceful and joyful holiday. Even if everything is on track to go according to plan, confirm the details about transportation, exchanges, and schedules, and add these to shared calendars so that there are no surprises and everyone is on the same page.
When it comes to transportation and exchanges, be mindful of holiday traffic and build buffers. If you know your co-parent tends to run late, and you plan to have holiday dinner when your children arrive, plan for the exchange to take place an hour or two earlier than your dinner or plans begin so that there’s room for unexpected traffic and delays.
If you are long-distance co-parents, and the children will be flying alone, now is the time to check airline policies about unaccompanied minors. For younger children, you may need to use the airline’s unaccompanied minor services and may need to book direct flights. You may also need to book these tickets well in advance to ensure that your children have the support they need.
- Check in with Your Children. Your children likely feel just as lost and sad as you do, especially if this is their first holiday post-divorce. They’ll be looking to you to take the lead, to gauge the general mood, and to regulate their nervous systems. If you are unhappy about the holiday plans, your children will sense that.
But if you convey that everyone is happy about the plan, your children will have a better chance of adjusting. Just as you might be finding it difficult to think about spending your first Christmas alone while the kids spend the day with their Dad or Mom, your children are likely even more anxious about leaving one parent alone for the holiday, and may find all the travel and transitions difficult, too.
Consider how you can support and reassure your children. Even if you won’t be spending the holiday with them, can you arrange a video call on the day of the holiday to support the feeling of togetherness? Can you text throughout the day? What new traditions can you create?
Some families and children find joy in being able to celebrate two Christmases. Some children might need additional support, counseling, or therapy. Check in with your children to see how they are feeling about the upcoming holiday and ask them what would help them feel more supported. Then, communicate with your co-parent about how you can put these supports in place.
- Plan to Take Care of Yourself. While you might be worried about how you’ll manage your first holiday alone, especially if you and your ex-plan to alternate holidays, keep in mind that your children will be watching you to gauge the mood. If this is your first holiday without the kids, do you have plans for how you’ll celebrate the day? If you are excited about how you’ll spend your holiday, your children will feel that energy, even if they are leaving you to celebrate with your co-parent.
Maybe plan to spend the day with extended family or friends, or volunteer with a local organization that needs support on the holiday? Reach out to other divorced parents who might be facing similar challenges. What are their plans? Do you have single friends who might have plans you can join in on? Other parents choose to take the day to treat themselves to a little getaway or staycation at a bed and breakfast, resort, or spa. Others plan to make the holiday a self-care day, whatever that looks like for them, whether that’s a day of golf, or skiing, or a long warm bath.
Beyond coordinating schedules, taking care of your children, and taking care of yourself, the holiday season brings new challenges and opportunities for co-parents and blended families.
Let’s explore co-parenting over the holidays in more depth.
Creating New Traditions
Your first holiday season after divorce might feel challenging, but it’s also a time where you can get creative and create new traditions.
Many parents choose to leverage the multi-day holidays to their advantage. In some cultures, holidays like Christmas are celebrated on Christmas Eve rather than on Christmas Day. If it works for your family, one parent can celebrate with the children on Christmas Eve, while the other can celebrate with the children on Christmas day. In other cultures, families gather to exchange presents, eat cake, and enjoy food together in early January for Three Kings Day.
Jewish traditions involve multiple days of celebrations, allowing for greater flexibility. In Native American cultures and in ancient western traditions, the winter solstice is an important holiday, with nature-focused celebrations like gathering around a fire or yule log, watching the sunrise, lighting candles, gift-giving, and feasting. Getting the children excited about the fact that they get to celebrate two Christmases or get to create new traditions can be one way to make the transition smoother and more fun.
Some families use the opportunity to delve deeper into their family heritage, exploring cultural traditions that may have changed or been lost to time. Others use the holiday celebration to honor the land, to volunteer and help their communities, and to pause and reflect.
Longer-distance co-parents might alternate years where they celebrate with the children over Christmas and winter break. If you and your ex traveled to visit grandparents on alternate years, you might choose to preserve these traditions in your parenting plan. In these circumstances, some parents choose to celebrate the holiday the night before the children head off to the other parent’s home or celebrate when the children return. Some low conflict co-parents may even choose to celebrate the holiday together in a neutral setting—at a grandparent’s house, a rental property, or elsewhere.
Thanksgiving is another significant holiday and long weekend for many families that shouldn’t be overlooked in the parenting plan and when making holiday plans. Some families choose to alternate the weekend year to year, while others divide the weekend between co-parents, who make time for two Thanksgiving celebrations.
Remember, it’s the time you spend together and the memories you create that count.
Managing Schedules
Use communication tools and shared calendars to manage holiday schedules. Remember that the holiday season often involves activities and events that extend beyond just the holiday itself. Children might have holiday performances at school or need transportation to special holiday celebrations. Extended family like grandparents might also want to see the children or host special dinners. Parents may need to plan for religious services that take place over the holiday.
The winter break is also a time that some teens might use for college prep, like studying or taking the SATs, or applying to colleges. Keeping track of everything is difficult enough, but when two parents are trying to coordinate calendars, you’ll need help. Fortunately, there are many great online tools that can help you and your co-parent coordinate. It doesn’t have to be complicated, either.
Even something as simple as a shared Notion or Google document where you outline important days, timelines, exchanges, and coordinate gift-giving can go a long way to managing schedules and communication.
Gift Giving
Communicate with your co-parent about how you’ll handle gift giving over the holiday. Things to avoid:
- Duplicate gifts
- The wealthier parent goes out and buys all the presents
- Competitive gift-giving
By coordinating what gifts you and your co-parent will give, you can get the gifts on your children’s wish list without having to navigate post-Christmas returns. Many online tools like Notion or Google documents, allow you to share lists with other people. If there are some big-ticket items you want to buy, coordinate how you’ll split the cost. If you and your co-parent are on the same page about big-ticket items, you can avoid the competitive gift-giving trap.
Some parents choose to shop with their children to help their children pick out a gift for their co-parent. This can go a long way to showing your children that you support the time they spend with their parents and promote greater goodwill all around.
Travel
Parents who live close by might not think they need to think about travel, but keep in mind that holiday traffic will likely slow everything down. Consider holiday traffic when planning exchanges and transportation between households. This is important especially if exchanges are happening around holiday dinners or family events with specific timelines. When planning exchanges, provide a time buffer for emergencies and traffic.
Long-distance parents might want to get their travel plans in order as soon as possible, especially if the children will be traveling alone as unaccompanied minors. If minors will be traveling alone, parents may want to begin making long-distance travel plans months in advance.
Blended Families & Stepparents
Blended families and stepparents can be a joy, but can also add complexity to the holiday season, especially if your new partner has children from a prior marriage. The key to a smooth holiday is communication. If this is the first holiday season you’ll be celebrating as a blended family, this is a great opportunity to create new traditions or incorporate new ones, and to discuss your existing traditions and plans.
This can also potentially lead to conflict, especially if a stepparent wants to travel for the holidays, or if your new partner wants to bring in traditions that require that adjustments be made to your existing parenting plan.
Again, flexibility is key. Remember that the goal of your parenting plan is to promote consistency and stability for your children. This is why judges are reluctant to make major changes to these plans. Even if you feel that your request is reasonable, keep in mind that your former partner may not necessarily want to adjust the parenting plan to accommodate your new blended family or stepparent’s wishes.
The Washington state collaborative divorce lawyers at Truce Law help families navigate big changes, and we may be able to help. If life changes require that you ask for changes to your holiday parenting plan schedule, you might want to explore whether collaborative family law is right for you.
With the collaborative family law process, couples sit down with lawyers trained in mediation and skilled in negotiation. Rather than taking requested changes to court, families work together at the negotiating table to find solutions that work for their families and their changed circumstances. If this sounds like something that might work for your family, consider reaching out to Truce Law for a Case Evaluation.
Next Steps
Many potential conflicts surrounding the holidays can be prevented with a strong parenting plan. The collaborative family lawyers at Truce Law in Washington state help families create parenting plans that work. We can help you troubleshoot major holiday pain points and anticipate issues before they arise.
If you already have a parenting plan in place, confirm your plans with your ex and remember that flexibility is important. And if you and your ex are struggling to navigate the holidays under your existing parenting plan, consider reaching out to Truce Law today. Through the collaborative process, you and your partner can find solutions that work for your children and your family.
This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Every situation is unique. For guidance specific to your circumstances, consult a licensed family law attorney in your area.